We’ve all seen them. You know, those CrossFitters who make you laugh a bit (or a lot). I’m talking about those comical CrossFit types that make you squirm by their actions or their CrossFit dress sense.
Although CrossFit is strongly built on a community of like-minded people, occasionally you get those “special people” who just stand out awkwardly. Here they are…
The Sponsored Newbie
These types will be kitted out like they just came back from a catalogue shoot with that brand (you know which one), however, they’ll typically be found in the beginners program. Those more seasoned CrossFitters who are guilty of the same thing are predictably also found at the Globo Gym busting out duck face poses in the mirror.
Comment: You look like White Goodman from Dodge Ball! Kit yourself out, but remember there is nothing wrong with sporting an old pair of training shorts.
The MMA CrossFitter
This CrossFit type was or still is a huge MMA fan, clearly. They rock up wearing Tap Out shirts, MMA shorts, and their wrist wraps. They confront each WOD like they’re looking for a first round KO, but end up throwing in the towel.
Comment: Wearing comfortable MMA shorts is fine, but dressing up like you’re auditioning for The Ultimate Fighter is off-centre.
The RX Dodger
After three months or more, you should typically be able to attempt most WODs at RX. This CrossFit type typically has been doing CrossFit for over six months and still chooses to over-scale every WOD so that they can finish first.
Comment: Firstly, you are not fooling anybody buddy, and secondly start understanding relative intensity.
The Technique Nazi
This type holds themself in very high regard – they’ll improperly scrutinise your every microscopic movement and bash you for marginal faults. They typically also have a pompous swagger – which looks more like they’d been riding a bicycle without a seat for a week.
Comment: Stop looking for the bad in everyone and no-repping the newbie for just missing his 100th wall ball.
The Chippendale CrossFitter
The need to strip off your top is understandable in certain circumstances – like when it’s a crazy hot day. However, there are those types who will rip off their shirts during a few sets of squats, before a chilled WOD, or better yet, during the warm-ups.
Comment: You did not step off the set of Magic Mike. It’s ok when it’s reasonable, the rest of the time you look like Mike from Jersey Shore…
The E-Hardcore CrossFitter (also known as the Fire-breather Dreamer)
This CrossFitter believes their legions of imaginary online fans want to know every detail of their CrossFit life or opinion on anyone’s mention of anything CrossFit related. They also proclaim how insanely hardcore a WOD was and will then state how they demolished it (often with a humblebrag). They’re usually the ones also sucking most of the gas during a WOD.
Comment: Show some restraint and limit your CrossFit related social media dribble to the occasional update.
It’s 6am, you’re still rubbing sleep out of your eyes and you’re about to start your morning WOD – and then this type of CrossFitter, as if they just as if he got stabbed in the heart with a shot of adrenalin, will screech out so loud that you almost go into cardiac arrest. They’ll also grunt, shout and scream throughout the workout as if they’re having a domestic squabble with an imaginary friend.
Comment: Short of going to get yourself checked out for mental disorders, maybe you should use some of that pent-up energy solely for the workout (quietly)?!
The Cheerleader Shrieker
This type holds zero restraint when cheering on fellow CrossFitters – typically so close to your ear that you can feel them breathing on your neck. They almost make you want to stop the workout and beat them with a slam ball. Annoyingly, they naturally have the loudest and most penetrating voices.
Comment: Please try standing more than one foot away and keep the screaming to an enthusiastic thumbs-up or something.
There is always that one type – typically male – who will leave an air-bagel with the casual blithe of a homeless man in a month-old cardboard box. This is normally amplified by their usual comments of approval of their devastating, eye-watering pong.
Comment: Take a casual walk outside, to the side, or any side, away from people, to avoid everyone air-tasting what you had to eat a few hours ago.
The Non-Coach Coach
We’re all a little guilty of wanting to help out our fellow CrossFitters, but there are those special types who are 100% certain they’ll be responsible for you getting a new PB or first time muscle-up with their ignorant pointers.
Comment: Don’t coach, unless you’re a coach! Focus on being an athlete.
The 80s Disco Fashionista
There’s that type who rock up looking like an Aircraft marshal, sporting lumo tops, pants, shoes, headbands, wristbands, and long socks. It wouldn’t be a problem if it was a dress-up WOD, but these types usually come dressed like this for every WOD.
Comment: Stop running around like you’re a glow stick and someone snapped your neck – its helluva distracting and embarrassing.
The Always CrossFit CrossFitter
There’s that type that is so into their CrossFit that it’s all or nothing for them. They can be found at the gym, church, shops, weddings or funerals, dressed ready to bust out a WOD – like the Clark Kent’s of CrossFitters, but without any super powers.
Comment: Put the long socks down and start finding balance in life. Life is not just about CrossFit.
The Don Juan-CrossFitter
Occasionally we are all blessed enough to have that one guy who thinks he is Don Juan Demarco. It’s kind of like he took a cue from the movie Wedding Crashers, but the CrossFit box is his hunting ground. He’ll unscrupulously hit on all the women at the box, and you’ll typically find him writing on the Facebook walls of every (hot) girl from the box.
Comment: The CrossFit box is a place to work out and improve your lifestyle – it’s not a speed-dating service – keep it tidy, Romeo!
The Wooden Nickel
There’s that type who started the WOD at the same time as you, and you’re certain you’re ahead or at the same pace as them, yet they’ll magically finish so far ahead of you that you’ll start second guessing your sanity.
Comment: We see you! Learn what virtuosity is, stop cheating (yourself) and just get all the work done.
Do any of these sound familiar, and more importantly, do any of these sound like you? What other comical CrossFit types have you come across?